The bruises are burning.

Sitting on the ornate wooden bench in the park, the cool breeze gently touches her cheeks as it moves on towards some unknown destination while she keeps sitting there, very still and unaware of the world around her. Her bruises have healed on the outside. Yet, they burn all the time on the inside.

And so does her heart.

And her soul.

Pain, pain and more pain.

As she slowly looks up towards the sky a tear gently rolls down her eyes. She is all lost in that vastness and in the wilderness of the world.

She slowly gets up and picks up her bag, and walks towards the parking on the other side of the park.

As she walks on the path for the walkers, a couple swiftly walks past her in a rush to complete their 4 kms of walk. In minutes they move far ahead of her, and slowly fade out of the view.

She is slow, very slow. Everyone and everything is passing her by.

She does not want to move. But night is falling and she has to reach home.

She gets into her father’s car and drives down the wide and clean road towards her home.

She knows what awaits her. Its time for another trip to the lawyer’s.

As she reaches home her little son runs towards her and jumps onto her. She stoops to pick him up, to hug him and to give him a kiss on his forehead. He beams at her, and cutely hugs her, unaware that life has already been unfair to him at this tender age. She caresses his soft curly goldenish hair. His love fills her heart and she braces herself for preparation for another visit to the family court.

As she steps into the house she sees her father waiting in the drawing room. He sits there waiting patiently for her, a magazine in his hand. He looks up and asks her if she is ready to go to the lawyer for preparation for next day’s visit to the court.

“Yes Dad. Let us go.”

She hands over her sweet son to her Mom,  goes to the kitchen to drink some water, and then they leave for the lawyer’s office.

The road is long and the atmosphere is heavy. They hardly talk. Both are sad at how things have turned out. What is there to say. They both know.

They reach the lawyers place and see that many people are waiting already. They too sit down and wait patiently for their turn. It is always so claustrophobic to be here. No one speaks. No one moves. No one smiles. In that dim light everyone seems so weighed down with the pain of their lives. It is almost as if the stillness and the silence are crying in pain and agony. This silence is very painful.

Their turn comes and they step into the office. The lawyer smiles and greets swiftly and reaches out for their file. It is a pink file with black printing on top, and white and pale green papers within. Tied with a green thread this is the file which carries her plight and that of her offspring. This is the file she had to go through again and again and again each time there is this court date.

The discussion with the lawyer is swift. She listens, but her father mostly converses. She mostly nods this way or that.

The journey back is swift. Traffic had thinned out. The lawyer’s instructions have made the father and daughter converse. Time flows swiftly and they reach home.

As they enter, again the little son jumps on to her full of glee. She is not surprised that he is still awake. He usually sleeps after holding her snugly. And he does that today too. She too sleeps peacefully holding him gently next to her heart.

The morning is a court going morning again. Getting the house in order and sending the son to the playschool takes up most of the time.

As she leaves for the court with her father, her mother gives her a gentle hug saying that all will be well. She wonders. Will all ever be well.

They get the parking way off from the court premises, and start walking towards their destination. The place is so crowded, filled with so many lawyers and their clients. The air is filled with discussions and calls for attendance in the court rooms. The moment a call is made the crowd quiets down and listens intently. Then the people called rush into the room they are summoned to while the others continue their wait. Slowly the sound of discussions in the room rises again.

She sees him stepping up the stairs a little past eleven. He stops to check the charts for listing of the case and then his eyes catch her and her father standing there in a corner. He swiftly moves to the other corner and waits patiently for the turn.

As she sees him her heart starts burning. Its not a slow burn that keeps happening all the time anyways. At this time it is a full burn, with flames and fumes, and inflammation. The memories, the agony start raising their head again. Try as she may she is not able to keep them down. Her eyes well up in pain. This is the same face that she loved so. And this is the same face that fumed at her so much after. These are the same hands that held hers with a vow to care for her for life. And these are the same hands which caused her so much pain… blow by blow.

 As he talks to his lawyer she hears his voice. It is the same voice that she had longed to hear after her engagement to him. It is also the same voice that was loaded with expletives after. 

She looks away outside the window trying to get a bearing on herself and trying to focus on anything at all to get off this pain.

The wait continues till beyond lunch time. Memories keep flooding her mind. She is now in a daze. The day is slowly blurring past her.

Eventually the turn comes. She steps into the court room in the same daze. Everything is a vague blur. The judge says something and the lawyers say something and he says something and she says something. But his conversations sound so alien. She cannot believe what he said. It did not seem real. She is hit so profoundly by the realisation that while physically this is the same person she had married, yet the person inside him is a different one now. He looks same but is not.

If our loved ones get lost we can go find them. But what do we do if they change ? Nothing is the same anymore. And nothing will ever be.

Her mind sways and her heart bleeds some more. The end is nowhere in sight. They get another date a long way off in time and walk down the stairs. As her father drives her home they both are quiet again. They both already know. What is there to say.

It is rather late in the afternoon by now. As they reach home and she rings the door bell, her little son comes running to her and jumps up to be held. She stoops to pick him up and hugs him and kisses him and walks inside the house listening to his chirping about his day. Her mother has the lunch ready. They eat while her son prances around like a little deer.

The next date is another day. Till then, she just holds on to her son, thankful and grateful for this gift of God.